Maybe I’m weird. Redact maybe.
People seem to care—like passionately —about things that don’t really matter to me. Like at all.
I’ll feign enthusiasm with a wimpy “like,” or a pointless comment like, “That’s crazy! Let’s get together soon! Xo.”
Why can’t I hop aboard the Excitement Express?
Maybe I’m just an introvert.
Maybe I’m more socially awkward than I thought.
Or maybe I’m just an asshole.
Below is a list of things that I think I’m supposed to care about, but I don’t.
- Anything dealing with moon phenomenon.
Yeah, no. How many times in my life have I heard, “Tonight’s moon is going to be [blah]. The next time will be in 200 years!”? I understand how this can build up hype and make it feel like a must-see event, but I never even remember to go outside and look. And when I’m reminded that I forgot, I never even really care. Zero FOMO. But people really do care about this moon stuff! And I’m baffled. They throw parties (I mean, I guess I’d go to that), upload moon countdown widgets on their phones and they all post those endless photos on their social media with the little yellow moon dot at the top that proves that they remembered, they witnessed, they documented, they shared. They care.
- Vacation Pictures
People vacation for the memories of special time with loved ones and being immersed in beautiful/exotic places. Through their photographs they can relive their travels. But guess what? I wasn’t there. So, I’m pretty much just looking at terrible photography. That sunset/building/flower/hilarious bartender/crab/sculpture/painting/sign doesn’t mean anything to me. And, let me guess? Will there be a (somewhat) lengthy story to accompany each shot? Great! Grab a bottle. Let’s get started, this will be a while.
- State of the Union Addresses
I’ve voted in every election since my 18th birthday, but I’m not very into politics. I remember watching the results of the 2008 election on my honeymoon (want to see pictures?) when Obama won his first term and I felt excited. Change We Can Believe In! I don’t know what I was so eager to change. My life has been pretty status quo since birth, but what the hell? He seemed very friendly. But, with presidents comes those pesty State of the Union Addresses. Oh for God’s sake! The ups. The downs. The handshakes. The effing applause. Shoot me. But they make these damn addresses hard to ignore since they are one every single channel. Then I’m left with moon phenomenon-like guilt. Like, I should care and watch this because I’ve entered adulthood and what he’s saying should matter. But nah. I’ll just flip on Netflix instead and read the highlights tomorrow. Once a Cliff’s Notes girl, always a Cliff’s Notes girl.
4. Stories about Babies
Babies. Babies. Babies. They are everywhere. I even had two myself. Everyone loves talking about babies—and they do make for some interesting stories. But, maybe I’m an asshole, but I don’t really enjoy stories about other people’s babies. I think only spouses, grandparents and the occasional overly invested aunt/uncle really gives a shit. First steps? All babies take them. Teething? All babies get them. Diaper blowout? We’ve all been stained. I don’t care what your baby’s first word was, but I do want to know how you really feel about motherhood. Do you like being a stay at home mom? Or do you work? What’s that like? When was the last time you yelled so loud your throat hurt? Do you ever dream of getting a hotel room all by yourself for a night or two and do absolutely nothing? I’m sorry I’m not interested in your baby’s milestones, but if you want to compare motherhood battle wound stories. . . let me pull up a chair.
- Road Rage Stories
Bad drivers. We’ve all been victims of their stupidity. When you’re driving and someone almost kills you, or makes you late (equally as frustrating), it makes your blood boil. You drive past slowly, twisting your neck in their direction, delivering your best death stare. With just your eyes you say, “You moron, learn to drive!” (They never look as you envisioned, but that’s beside the point). Your heart is still racing. You are eager to vent your story to the first person you see. Yeah see, the thing is that these stories do not make good storytelling. First of all, when I’m told a road rage story, I can never accurately envision the road/intersection/parking lot where it occurred, but I usually go along with it anyway. The intensity of these stories alone gives me anxiety, so I pretty much stop listening altogether. Good stories get retold. Road rage stories are never retold because nobody cares. Accident stories? Tell me more. . .
- The Super Bowl
I know that I’m in the minority on this silly event, but really? Sunday nights are for putting the kids to bed early and watching Homeland. Not getting drunk with a bunch of rowdy people, consuming 3,000 extra calories, betting money on random numbers in tiny boxes that confuse you, watching commercials that you can’t really even hear and rooting for a team you’ve never even heard of. My husband tells me it’s part of American culture and not to be such a loser. Whatever. Football in general has always looked silly to me. It’s a bunch of gigantic men lining up, moving around a little bit, someone throws the ball and everyone gets in a big pile. Rinse and repeat. Football is dumb to me all year, but the Super Bowl is super dumb. I’ll be in the kitchen polishing off the wings. With champagne, because I’m classy like that. Call me when the halftime show comes on.
- Award Ceremonies (Big and Small)
My mom had to beg me to go to my high school graduation. And my college one too. I didn’t understand why so many relatives come out just to hear a bunch of speeches and my name called. They already know my name. Isn’t the achievement equally as impressive without the hoopla? Fast forward to actually being a mother. So far, I’ve had to attend three graduations: pre-school twice and kindergarten once. Yes, it was adorable. Yes, I might have gotten choked up at how big they’ve gotten. Yes, I might have thought about getting pregnant again immediately after in an ass-backward way to slow down time. But some families went to fancy restaurants after the preschool graduation. Fancy! Why? Some kids were dressed in new three-piece suits. Mine were lucky to be bathed, wearing the best of what was clean. Don’t get me started on Hollywood award ceremonies. I used to feel obligated to watch each one, to be up on my pop culture. Now I’m 39 and I can’t even stay awake during a movie. I don’t recognize anyone in Hollywood anymore besides like Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt and, of course, Morgan Freeman’s voice.
I enjoy going to concerts. But, I hate thinking about the process, the crowds and the effing exiting. Once I’m in my seat and the beers are flowing and that first chord hits and you know exactly what song it is. . .you know the feeling. I hate other people’s concert stories/Instagram stories/Facebook posts. Here’s why: I know why people post these videos. They are IN IT. They are inspired. They are entertained. They genuinely want everyone to experience what they are seeing and hearing. It comes from a good place. (They do receive many likes and comments, so I’m thinking this is an instance where I’m just an asshole.) But, I once had a friend tell me the entire set list of a band that I had never heard of. There’s no nice way to say, “I don’t care about what you are telling me,” so I endured it. Moral of the story: like vacation pictures, concerts are for you. Enjoy them privately.
- Social Media
I am a Xennial (that newly named generation born between 1978-1983). I had a word processor in my college dorm room and knew the Dewey Decimal System all too well. I got my first cell phone at age 24 and was a little late on the Facebook craze. People seem to really care, like really, really care, about their social media channels: Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Pinterest, LinkedIn, Tumblr, Twitter, Google+, etc. I can’t keep up. I can’t be bothered. I just can’t. It’s way too many apps to install and passwords to remember. As a freelance writer, I really should care about this more. Maybe then people might actually stumble upon my work. I don’t know if my social media defiance stems from laziness, assholiness, apathy or fear. But whatever. If you’re reading this and you like it, post it on your shit and maybe one day I’ll catch up with the times.
- Trendy Restaurants (and food in general)
Wow. This one people seem to take very seriously; and I’m honestly a little jealous of these people. But alas, I still can’t get myself care enough. Trendy restaurants are popping up everywhere with weird menus, weirder ingredients and a whole lot of hashtags on their Instagram posts. Before taking a bite, everyone snaps a quick picture of their plate #whaleburger #liverslaw #candiedanchovies #glutenfree #duh #yum #foodporn. But like, is that really what you want for dinner? Waiter, can we please have a bread basket? I’m envious of these adventurous palates, but I am perfectly content in a reliable chain restaurant. Who doesn’t love fried appetizers, giant blue cocktails with hilarious names and a jovial rendition of “Happy Birthday” being sung in the background. Oh, wait. My husband, that’s who. He doesn’t want any part of my chain restaurant obsession. If anyone is looking for me, I’ll be at happy hour at Chili’s, or sword battling with breadsticks (they’re endless!) at Olive Garden with my kids. Husband, go enjoy your snake pâté with rhubarb ganoush in a citrus reduction. I’ll meet you at home.
I’m not a bad person, I swear. I love my family and friends. I just don’t care about much. I recently took a 120 question personality test and my #1 personality trait is forgiveness. See? That’s how little I care about things. Screw me over, I don’t care. We good, yo. (I don’t really speak like that, but it’s Friday night and I’m drinking tequila and that brings out my hood). I’m pretty sure I could have made this a Top 100 list, but then I’d be a bonafide a-hole. I know I’m not alone. What are things that you are supposed to care about but really don’t? Maybe this article? You can admit it. I’ll forgive you.
Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this, check out FIVE REASONS I’M NAILING ADULTING